Sunday, September 27, 2009

There was a guy flossing his teeth while walking down Simonton Street the other day. He was even using real floss -- I watched him pull out a length of it, cut the end and slip the plastic container into his pocket.

I was intrigued, not only because I'm an idiot who needs a mirror to ensure that I get to each tooth with no repeats, but also because flossing is just not something people usually do in public.

Sure, guys will stick a toothpick in their mouth after eating corn on the cob at the Raw Bar, and women will work a piece of black pepper out of their gum line with a fingernail, but this guy was doing the whole routine.

I was waiting for him to whip out a tiny bottle of mouthwash and a water pick. But no, he just tilted his head to one side and seemed to work his way around his upper teeth, occasionally taking another wrap around his finger.

I lost sight of him from my porch, so I don't know whether he finished the chore, but I'd assume so.

Flossing usually takes place in a bathroom, not on a sidewalk.

And while the guy with the floss wasn't necessarily offensive, there are certain acts that, for various reasons, should not be done in public.

Any sort of foot or toenail maintenance, especially for men, must be done inside, and not just inside anywhere, but in your own home.

No one wants to see what you're digging at and they don't want to think about where the trimmings land.

Also, I can appreciate the frustration of an itchy inner ear, but I can also resist the urge to stick a pen cap in and move it around while I'm in the checkout line.

I've noticed that many men choose to commit this truly tasteless act in the car, where they apparently become invisible.

I've caught several drivers -- all men -- scratching their inner ear with a pen cap, a key, a matchstick or the arm of their sunglasses while stopped at a red light.

Use Q-tips, people, and use them in the bathroom.

My next thought was not so much about an activity, but rather about inactivity, that is, lying down in public.

It's just not done.

If you lie down in a public place, such as the sidewalk, or in aisle 9 at Kmart, something is seriously wrong.

You're either really wasted or in need of medical attention, or both.

Although have you noticed that airports are a universal and glaring exception to the, "No lying down in public" rule?

It is not at all uncommon to see a grown man stretched out on his back on the airport floor and using his laptop case as a pillow.

The terminal usually is packed with downtrodden travelers delayed for hours by weather in faraway cities. Entire lacrosse teams are sprawled among duffel bags, travel pillows, iPods and magazines.

Families have established small encampments. Business women have changed into the jeans and sweatshirt they had stowed in their carry-on and even the suit-and-tie guys have resigned themselves to a few hours on the floor, as the vinyl seats all have been occupied since the first canceled flight four hours earlier.

Travel delays are the great equalizer. Everyone is powerless, and all of a sudden, lying down doesn't seem so wrong.

On the other hand, arguing in public, especially with your significant other, is considered rude and distasteful by etiquette experts.

I believe that a person should be embarrassed by their behavior if an entire city block knows that their girlfriend sent a text message to an old boyfriend, and that she should find herself a different hotel room.

Yes, this is wrong, and inappropriate, and these discussions should take place in private.

But I have to admit, I love it -- as a spectator, of course, not as a participant in these screaming sidewalk attractions.

I've been known to slow down, and even alter my course to keep tabs on a messy couple's fight, especially if they're impaired by one or more substances, carrying their shoes and repeating themselves incessantly at an ever-increasing volume.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want any physical contact to occur, but who doesn't love eavesdropping on the couple who forgot where they parked and somehow end up arguing about the girl he was talking to at the bar?

I just wish there was some kind of rule stating that any argument that starts in public must be finished in public -- just so everyone within earshot would know who won.

That public activity is my favorite to watch, and Key West is one of the best locations in the world for pointless arguments and nonsensical rants.

It really is better than television -- and a lot more entertaining than dental floss.

mbolen@keysnews.com