Friday, October 9, 2009

I love October in the Keys, when the temperature drops just enough so that I don't sweat through my shirt before noon.

October also blesses us with cool events like Fantasy Fest and Halloween. It even gives us a bogus Monday holiday for Columbus Day, where we celebrate a guy who accidently "discovered" the Americas -- a land that people were already living on, mind you.

Did you also know Columbus was kind of a jerk? According to Wikipedia, during his campaign to raise funds for his trip, he demanded he be declared "Great Admiral of the Ocean."

Wikipedia also causally throws in this gem toward the end of a passage about his first voyage that somehow wasn't covered in elementary school: "There is increasing modern scientific evidence that this voyage also brought syphilis back from the New World. Many of the crew members who served on this voyage later joined the army of King Charles VIII in his invasion of Italy in 1495, resulting in the spreading of the disease across Europe and as many as 5 million deaths."

What a trailblazer.

Columbus' voyage reminds me of a similar trip I made a couple of years ago in an effort to track down a Sonic fast food restaurant joint in Miami. Although my GPS unit was supposed to be leading me to the fast food holy land that is Sonic, I instead stumbled upon a burnt out vacant building, that although it resembled a Sonic it bore the sign of Mama's Burgers. Suffice to say, there were no colorful drinks or delicious burgers waiting for me at this destination. At least I didn't get syphilis.

Either way, Columbus has provided us with a rare no-strings-attached holiday in the middle of a typically peaceful month. Cherish these days while you can, because the fun is almost over.

November hits us with Thanksgiving, a great holiday if you currently live near where you plan on spending the day. Unfortunately, many of us in the Keys are transplants, far flung from the majority of our family and friends. Thanksgiving is great because you eat to your heart's content and don't have to worry about buying gifts. If you have to fly to said celebration, all bets are off.

If you haven't bought your Thanksgiving airline tickets yet, prepare to get reamed. Not only do airlines double their ticket prices during the holiday season, but the flights are always overbooked. This probably means you will be stuck sitting next to a sullen jerk like myself taking up all of your armrest.

I use to be a big fan of Southwest Airlines due to their typically cheaper ticket prices. Its biggest downfall is the lack of any kind of onboard entertainment. The only kind of entertainment offered on the flights is watching people fly into a seething passive aggressive rage -- people like me -- after a baby nearly vomits on them. Do yourself a favor and spring for a flight that offers some kind of television.

In December we have the holy holidays. Did you know many stores have already rolled out holiday decorations and items for sale. You probably feel like a slacker now. I know I do.

Buying gifts for family and friends is always the most awkward social dance of the year. When did cash fall out of favor? I'd love nothing more than to just cut a bunch of checks and call it a day.

I have traditionally spent most of my Christmas vacations here in the Keys (sorry mom). If my relatives want to see me so badly they can have me up when it is cheaper and far less stressful to travel. As a corollary, Football fans may remember Pittsburgh Steelers Linebacker James Harrison's decision to shun the traditional Superbowl champion's visit to the White House.

"This is how I feel -- if you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don't win the Super Bowl. As far as I'm concerned, [President Obama] would've invited Arizona if they had won," said Harrison.

As a born loser, I have never won anything worthwhile enough to warrant an invite to the White House, but just maybe my mom will make a big fuss to have me visit during Arbor Day.