Sunday, October 11, 2009

Regular readers of this column will know I'm not the most nimble creature careening around this wonderful planet.

My father shakes his head in wonder every time I stumble over an area rug and then bounce off a chair before falling haphazardly into a seat on the couch.

"Poetry in motion," he sarcastically describes it.

My fiance calls me "Grace," every time I get tripped up on a pesky curb and then flail for another four strides, arms windmilling, in a desperate struggle to remain upright.

I've acknowledged my shortcomings, have described the folding chair closing on my leg because I stood too far back on the seat while painting my bathroom. I've admitted to regularly stubbing my pinkie toe on the bed frame, cutting myself while fumbling with the packaging of a hair dryer, and burning myself badly while making biscuits.

And now in the interest of my continuing full disclosure, coupled with the fact that I had nothing else to write about (and I'm not allowed to have any opinions on the recent city election), I must describe a new low in my struggle for elegance.

I get hurt in my sleep.

It's true. Sad, but true. I realized it the other night when a sharp fragment of already-injured toenail got hooked on a thread from the sheet. I woke up instantly in that shock of pain that's specific to nail issues. Sadly, I must admit the toenail was already crumbled due to a rather violent collision it had with the coffee table the other day when I went to cross my leg.

Sleeping is no longer safe for me, and it actually draws blood.

But then I started thinking about a few other common sleep hazards. I say "common," hoping I'm not the only one who experiences them.

•Have you ever fallen asleep with your hands behind your head and awoken a few hours later because you can't feel your arms?

It's a bit disconcerting. Then you have to deal with the strange mixture of relief and soreness that comes from finally straightening a stiff elbow and allowing blood to return to the extremity.

•How about those painful imprints on the skin that develop when you lie for too long on one side, and end up wearing the mark of the sheet wrinkles, or the seams of your underwear? Those can be downright uncomfortable when you change positions and have to smooth out your own skin.

•Has your mouth ever gotten so dry from sleeping with your mouth open that your throat actually hurts enough to wake you? It's scary. You literally cannot speak until you get a sip of water into the back of your throat.

•And let's not forget the 3 a.m. charley horse that sits us bolt upright with hands clenching our calf. Our muscle is twisted in alarming shapes and the leg simply won't straighten. And then, when you think it finally has subsided and lie back, your calf or foot muscle curls up again all by itself.

It's not fair that some people go through life easily navigating steps, curbs and their own furniture. Avoiding falls and scrapes comes naturally to some, while I spend an inordinate amount of time just trying to remain on two feet.

And now I don't even get to enjoy the blissful safety of sleep.

Instead of being told, "sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite," I now hear, "be careful, ...

Grace."

mbolen@keysnews.com