Friday, November 20, 2009

Fire up the unreasonably dangerous turkey fryer, Thanksgiving is almost here.

What better way to celebrate the day than soaking a 20 pound bird in incredibly hot oil? Thanks to man's never-ending march of progress, anybody can fry a turkey -- the most delicious way to prepare it.

The ability to fry a turkey was once cruelly limited to restaurant owners and sociopaths, but now anybody can stop by Home Depot and pick up a kit. It includes everything you need, save for a heavy duty fire extinguisher.

It says something about the American spirit that our society has taken so fondly to a cooking method that has a very real possibility of burning your house down. I fried a turkey for Thanksgiving last year, and dropping the bird in the oil for the first time was the most harrowing 45 seconds of my entire life.

Turkey frying is an outdoor activity. Unless that bird is completely thawed out, the 400 degree oil will mix with the ice and burst into a huge grease-fireball that shoots straight up into the air. Since it is a grease fire, using the garden hose to put out such a blaze will just make it worse. Use a properly rated fire extinguisher, and if you have any doubts, just call the fire department. Even if you do the right thing and make sure the turkey is completely thawed, the oil will still bubble like crazy, so drop it slowly.

My advice if you are frying a turkey: Do it in the middle of the street -- or, better yet, your neighbor's front yard. They won't mind. They are probably visiting family someplace where it is too cold to cook outside. Like a satellite dish, make sure your turkey fryer has a clear path to the sky.

Should you successfully get that bird cooking in the oil without torching those nice palm trees you have planted in your backyard, make sure you open all of the windows in your house to let that delicious aroma waft into your living space. Congratulations, your house will smell like a KFC for the next month.

If you follow the basic rules, turkey frying is far easier than cooking it in the oven. It takes a fraction of the time, and the exposure of home turkey frying is still low enough that you will seem pretty hip for doing it. In 10 years, turkeys will probably be cooked by lasers, so get in while you can.

A turkey fryer means anybody can now host Thanksgiving, not just people with large enough ovens and six hours of cooking time to kill. Don't let that be an excuse to slack off, however. People will be coming over with high expectations, and you can't just drop the bird in the oil. Before you cook a turkey, it needs some sort of seasoning dry rub, and, if you are so equipped, injections of liquid marinade.

Rob's dry rub recipe

• Onion powder

• Garlic powder

• Cumin

• Crushed red pepper

• Kosher salt

• Pepper

• Oregano

• Paprika

You can mix up the levels of those ingredients however you want, depending on your personal taste and the size of the bird.

Rob's injectable liquid

marinade recipe

• Beer

Sometimes simple is better.