Sunday, February 7, 2010

Sometimes it is hard to imagine how some people can be so unhappy. Every business from Fortune 500 companies to small boutiques has seen its fair share of whiners and angry complainers. Our business, however, depends on our customers; we have no other choice but to deal with angry, frustrated and unhappy people.

What you do with angry people requires that you first understand where they are. Anger is a process that occurs in three phases. It starts with the trigger phase: Something happens that strikes a nerve. This feeling escalates to the fight-or-flight phase in which people start to show agitation through emphatic gestures, raised tones and accelerated speech. The third phase of anger is the explosion, when the person loses control of rational thought. Like a good doctor, you treat each stage of the process differently.

In the first phase, you can normally diffuse the situation immediately by doing two things: Thank them and assure them that you want to help. Say something like, "I'm glad you came to me with this. I'd like to help you as best I can with this problem."

This response is the last thing they expect, and will often take people by surprise. Remember that most people who approach you with anger are ready for a fight; the biggest mistake you can make is to give it to them.

If your initial reaction isn't enough to calm them down, and they move into the second phase of anger (fight or flight), listen to them without interruption. People generally de-escalate if they are allowed to express their feelings; interruptions usually make people talk louder and longer.

If you are in public, it is a good idea to speak to the angry person outside or privately in your office. With an audience listening, angry people refuse to let go of their egos and tend to dig their heels deeper into the ground.

Ask them to take a seat, and if possible, do not sit behind a desk. Sitting down puts their body (and racing heart) to rest, and gets you on eye level with them so that they are not towering over you or encroaching on your personal space. Having any obstacle between you gives the sense that you or they are blocked. Then, listen without interruption, and defensiveness.

If you are on the phone, take a deep breath, smile, and listen to their story fully. One word of caution: Do not tell people to calm down. If you've done this, you know that it usually sends the person into a rage.

What if the angry person is in phase three, and either threatens you or makes you feel concerned about your safety? You have only one choice: End it. With rational thought out of the equation it is futile for you to continue.

Even if this person is a valuable customer, you have the legal and moral right to stand your ground. Make sure, however, that you are professional and appropriate. Use the word "unacceptable" to explain how you feel and be brief. You can leave the door open for them to come back later when they are calm.

There's no need for you to feel guilty about being assertive or frustrated by your inability to make them calm. Remember that in the end, no matter how hard you try, the only person's anger you are responsible for is your own.

Managing anger in others is part of our jobs if we deal with customers on a regular basis. It is important to see it as part of your responsibilities, and to realize that other peoples' anger isn't about you. Your only job is to calm them down, even when you don't agree with them. That is the ultimate way to keep them and you happy.

Elisa Levy conducts seminars on conflict resolution and anger management. For more information, contact her at 305-296-5437 or visit www.elisalevy.com.