Sunday, March 7, 2010

Have you ever gone through the futile exercise of telling yourself not to get angry? If you have, you probably know that the more you say it the angrier you feel.

It is perfectly fine and normal to get angry. The point is to control the way you express it, and to move through it. We can't always control our feelings, but we can control our reactions to them. Here are four steps to help you control your behavior when you feel angry:

Step 1: Identify the warning signs.

When it comes to anger, your body is your greatest ally. You receive signals from your heart, stomach, head and central nervous system that you are about to get angry. We often feel these signs physically before we acknowledge our anger consciously. The next time you are in a situation and your body starts to react, stop yourself and go to step 2.

Step 2: Use the 5/5/5 Rule.

Ask yourself if this is this going to matter in five days? Five weeks? Five years? If the answer to any of them is no, let it go. Do your best to end the conversation and get on with your day. If the answer is affirmative, try the next step.

Step 3: Breathe/Excuse (BE).

Studies show that even one deep breath starts to slow the heart and breathing rates down. This begins to reverse the process of fight and flight and helps you think more clearly.

Try one deep breath, quietly so the person in front of you can't see you doing it. If that doesn't work and you feel like you are going to explode, excuse yourself. You can say something like, "I need to step out for a moment and think this through."

If you can't speak that openly to someone, find an excuse to leave. You can say to a customer that you want to check on their account, or ask someone to wait while you look into the matter for a moment. Then give yourself a few minutes to gain your composure.

The bottom line is that you want to do almost anything to prevent yourself from saying or doing things you may regret. When it is time to open your mouth and speak, go to the next step.

Step 4: Pass the salt.

Tone of voice is more important than words. When we are upset, we tend to speed up our speech and escalate in pitch, giving the impression that we are on the verge of losing control.

To gain control your tone, first slow your speech, and deepen your voice. This will help you sound calm and collected. If you do that for about 20 seconds, you actually will start to feel more calm.

Most important, remember to say three words to yourself before you open your mouth: "Pass the salt." It may sound like strange advice, but think for a moment about how you ask someone to pass the salt at the dinner table. It's usually said in a benign and neutral way. Emulating that same sound can help you soften your tone.

We must give ourselves permission to honestly feel the wide range of emotions that human beings experience by virtue of being alive. At the same time, we want to make sure that we control our behaviors and reactions in a way that feels right to us.

The next time you feel the warning signs, press the pause button, use the 5/5/5 rule, BE and then speak in a "pass the salt" kind of way. By taking these steps you'll learn how to control you reaction, and you may even find that the anger itself begins to subside.

Elisa Levy conducts seminars on conflict resolution and anger management. For more information, contact her at 305-296-5437 or visit www.elisalevy.com.