All conflicts are rooted in the same fundamental problem: the desire to meet a need.
Take the classic case of the pink snowsuit. It is a snowy, cold morning and a mom has to get her 7-year-old son ready for school. She looks in the closet for his snow clothes and can find only a pink snowsuit belonging to his older sister.
The snow is coming down in buckets. So, what does the mom say to the son? Put on the pink suit. The son's response is no surprise. Not in this life! And so the fight begins.
Whether it's a child who won't wear a snow suit, customers who want their money back or our spouses who won't listen to us, we all get stuck in one place: the outcome.
You corner yourself when you set up a zero-sum game with a winner and loser. Even if you win, you have to deal with the loser's wrath.
Settling arguments requires us to switch our focus from outcomes to needs. And it's not enough to know your own. A successful negotiation requires both parties to understand each other's needs before discussing solutions.
So, why doesn't this happen all the time? Ego. The harder someone pushes for their outcome, the harder it is for us to relent. In most cases, the more demanding and overpowering we are, the less we get.
In the case of the pink snowsuit, the mother and son got into a yes-no debate. If you consider the needs, however, the debate changes. The mother has a need to keep her son warm and make sure he does not get sick. The son has a need to avoid being teased by his classmates for wearing girl's clothes.
If you consider these needs, there are multiple solutions: Turn the snowsuit inside out, layer clothes or borrow something from the neighbor, to name a few.
The next time you find yourself on the verge of an argument, stop yourself from going down that familiar road of win-lose, and remember three important points.
1. Put yourself in their shoes. Try to understand the needs behind someone's argument by asking yourself one of two questions: Why or why not? Why is my teenager refusing to come to a family gathering? Why does my employee think that she should be able to leave work early?
2. Remember that understanding others' needs does not mean you forfeit your own. You may realize that your teenager refuses to come to a family gathering because she has a need to be accepted by her peers, and does not want to miss out on a party she was invited to that same night.
That doesn't mean you have to agree or approve of her perspective. The idea is to understand the other person's need and help her understand yours. Then you can talk about solutions.
3. Speak both parties' needs out loud. The obvious is not obvious, so say it. And start with their needs first.
If you aren't sure what their needs are, just ask. You can say, "I'm not clear on why you want this. Can you explain it to me?"
Most of us were taught at a young age how to negotiate. Some of us learned to be relentless, while others learned to give in. In truth, neither will work for us.
There is another option for negotiating, and the next few articles will give you tools and ideas for how to do it. But remember, the process always begins by focusing on the need behind the desired outcome.
Elisa Levy conducts seminars on conflict resolution and anger management. For more information, contact her at 305-296-5437 or visit www.elisalevy.com.