So you get into the room, close the door, and the other person (we'll call your opponent) is sitting there looking at you. What next?
This is where most of us get caught. We may know othe needs of ourselves and our opponent, we may have planned our chips and chops (from my last article), but what about the words?
Begin by scripting how you want to say things, and it is best to do this out loud. The words are only 15 percent of your communication. The other 85 percent is your tone and your body language. So practice with someone you trust, or rehearse in front of the mirror.
Once you have your side clear, consider the three types of language you can use in a negotiation. You will use them interchangeably, and the good news is that you don't have to change the way you speak to use them.
1. Opening language: This is language of rapport and trust building. When you use it, you show your opponents that you care about their needs.
Use opening language to greet your opponents by asking them how they are doing. If you know, for example, that they are football fans, ask them if they watched the game over the weekend. This kind of rapport building only needs to last a few minutes.
Begin the negotiation by asking your opponents to talk first and explain what they want and need. You can use an open-ended question such as, "Can you tell me how you see the issue, and what you are hoping in our negotiation?"
Opening language will come in very handy if the conversation starts to get tense. If your opponents seem angry or anxious, slow down a little and ask them to express their concerns. Show that you want to listen to what they are saying and don't forget to paraphrase.
2. Informing language: This is when you get to talk. When you inform your opponents you tell them what you want, but don't forget to tell them why you want it. People make assumptions about your position and may not understand your need behind it.
If you are negotiating with your spouse or partner to do more work around the house explain your need to have more time and energy instead of simply arguing the point that they should pick up their clothes.
Informing language should not be accusatory. Take ownership over what you say using "I" instead of "you" statements. For example, "I feel exhausted from putting in 50 hours a week; it's impacting my family life," instead of "You put me on the schedule so often that I don't get to even see my family."
3. Uniting language: This is the language that clinches the deal. You use it to move the conversation toward a conclusion after you and your opponents have all your issues on the table.
One of the most important techniques of uniting language is called reframing. When you reframe, you give your opponent an overview of the situation by stating both of your primary needs. "So, how can we meet your need to have the business fully staffed, and my need to have some more time with my family?"
If the negotiation is in a deadlock, you can use uniting language to remind your opponents of your good intentions: "We both want to make this work, and I know we can reach a conclusion that we can both accept."
The next time you are tongue-tied in a negotiation, start with opening language, and if you get stuck during the conversation, ask yourself which type of language would move you through to the other side. Most amicable negotiations use these three languages throughout the discussion. If you know them well, you can guide the negotiation toward the best possible outcome.
Elisa Levy conducts seminars on conflict resolution and anger management. For more information, contact her at 305-296-5437 or http://www.elisalevy.com.