"It is, of course, the symbol for Americans to be reminded of other countries -- because this was gifted to us, of course, by the French -- other countries warning us to never make the mistakes that some of them had made." -- Sarah Palin at the Statue of Liberty.
The above quote is for real. How soon before we read the following?
"American history is totally awesome, because it's American, and it comes from the heart, and me, Todd, Piper and Willow are so proud to make this bus tour trip promoting the awesome sites that our country totally rules so that Americans can know that we don't have to change what is so American about America, which is great."
Fort McHenry, Mary-land: "They tried to destroy America in 1812 during the War of 1812. They bombed the fort, but did not knock down our Red, White and Blue, which inspired Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald to write "The Great Gatsby" several years later."
Washington, D.C.: "They have the actual Declaration of Independence there at the National Archive. Also the Constitution and the Magna Carta and the 39 Articles, which we can be so proud of because they were all written by folks who loved their country. Piper and I were sooo excited to read how Martin Luther told our Founding Fathers that freeing the slaves from the pope is the civil rights God wanted."
Mount Vernon: "George Washington is my favorite Founding Father. He didn't really want to be president, but all these people were going, 'George, ya gotta do it,' so he sucked it up and went to Washington, D.C., which he didn't like. Me, either. But sometimes God tells ya to do stuff and there you go. Piper said General Washington must have busted out sweating keeping that farm together and having to kill food and stuff. Of course, I said there were some black people who were nice enough to help him out -- how American is that?!? Piper said Thomas Jefferson also, which proves that our country welcomed all kinds of people, unlike other countries. My heart soars when I see how Piper totally gets our history."
Gettysburg: "So many died here to preserve our American Way of Life from, OK, I guess, other Americans with another American Way of Life. Whatever."
New York: "Willow, Piper, the First Dude and I were so psyched to visit the 'Big Apple' and eat some of that famous pizza at one of those famous restaurants in Times Square! But what's with all the foreign people? What part of New York do us Americans live in? Hello! On the other hand, there's nobody more American than the awesome Donald Trump! We know where he was born! He'd make a great vice-president, don'tcha think? Wink!"
The Statue of Liberty: "How inspiring it must have been for the folks fleeing socialized medicine in Europe and other countries to sail into New York Harbor and see Lady Liberty holding her light up high! It's like she's sayin' 'Hey! If you love freedom and you're legal, you're welcome. But if you're sneakin' in, we'll get ya and send ya back to France or some other place where they don't even speak English!'"
Bunker Hill: "OMG, everybody -- this place is so powerful in the patriot thing I was just about tearin' up. This is where the shot heard around the world came back and bit the redcoats in the butt! The Americans said, 'We're gonna lock and load when we see the whites of your eyes, British dudes, and don't you forget it.' Another great victory for freedom and the American Way."
Boston: "There's so much history here, Willow and Piper said their heads were totally full and could they hang out in the bus and watch 'Jersey Shore?' But I go, 'Girls, you have to experience the place where John Adams brewed lager, Benjamin Franklin set up the first mint and Paul Revere warned the British about taking our guns. And our bells. And our horses.
"Willow was like, 'Mom, wasn't Paul Revere making frying pans when he heard the British were on the way and so he went out and told everybody so they could hide or whatever?' Well. It's pretty discouraging when the teachers' unions and the Lamestream Media puts out all this unfactless stuff to young girls who love America! I said, 'Who are you gonna believe, some Harvard elitist or your own mother?'
"We got to pick our own lobsters and boil them at this place down at Boston Harbor. I said to the kids, 'Let's pretend the lobsters are socialism. We're gonna kill 'em and eat 'em and show 'em who's boss! That's what we call American Exceptionalism.'
"As we dipped that awesome American meat in that delicious American melted butter, I couldn't help but reflect on the Boston Tea Party, which wasn't lunch, but you know what I'm sayin'. King George told the colonists that they had to drink tea, which had a lot of taxes. But those brave patriots wanted to drink coffee and maybe a beer, so they dressed up like Indians and threw all the tea off the ships into the water and that tells you all you need to know about this great country, which has a lot of patriots but also some people (you know what I'm sayin') who aren't normal Americans like me and my kids."
Diane Roberts is Solares Hill Capital Bureau Chief.